English Coursework final draft

Let me start this off by saying this isn’t your sappy romantic typical type of a love story, this is a love story with life and death consequences .This is my love story.

So how do you know when you’re in love? What is love? A wise woman once said “it’s just chilling, you know? Chilling with somebody, talking making mad stupid jokes. And, like, not even wanting to go to sleep, ’cause then you might be without them for a minute. And you don’t want that”. This is exactly how I felt for Samantha White, the most attractive girl in our whole school and neighborhood. She was perfect; crystal White teeth, caramel skin, long dark thick hair with one half of the hair braided and the sweetest personality, so caring, so down to earth. Everyone knew this, everyone wanted her, but none of them loved her like I did; if only she knew that.

I wasn’t a nerd, I wasn’t a boy head over heels for a girl who I had no chance with in a million years. Well you would be  only half right; I didn’t have a chance with her, However I wasn’t your typical lover boy who usually just hopelessly stare/admires his dream girl from a far. I was the ‘guy’ in my area, you don’t believe me? Let me prove it, I even had my own nickname, Rambo, given to me due to the fact that a film character named Rambo was a savage fighter, that could take on anybody and feared no one, which I resembled a lot. I would love to prove myself to anyone who thought they could challenge me, to prove that I was the alpha male, in school and out. But especially in school. I didn’t get along with most of the pupils, especially the boys. They were all too big headed and arrogant for me; just because they could play football or basketball, get the girls and had muscles, they all thought they were the ‘guys’.
So now you’re probably wondering, if I was the ‘guy’ how come I wasn’t able to get the girl of my dreams? Well maybe it’s because in life I was heading nowhere fast; I was involved with the wrong people. we had known each other since nursery and we had been friends since then and she didn’t want to ruin anything or quite simply I never truly told her how I felt. Which is my fault, I know. I was too concerned about getting rejected and my silly reputation; stressing over what other people would think of me, what others would say, instead of just listening to my heart and doing what I wanted to do. So now you know me, you know who I am, my desires. lets finally begin my journey, my love story.

Where to begin? There are so many places to start of my love story: the day I actually started to have feelings for Samantha, when she stayed the whole week at my house or when we kissed for the first time. I believe the best place to start is the day when the whole world started to changed, when not just my story but everybody’s story and life would  change forever, and that’s the day war broke out.
It was on a Friday, the last day of school before summer holidays. It seemed to be heading as the best day of the year; beautiful weather, everybody on good terms, even me with the boys, there was even a whole year 10 water fight! I was having a pleasant conversation with Samantha, even some flirting was going on. But something had to come and ruin it… it hit the main road of Brixton high street and somehow managed to hit my school located all the way in Kennington. We were able to feel its full force as the whole ground began to shake and crumble beneath us. The school began to self destruct, classrooms becoming rubble killing anyone still inside. Time had passed and any lucky survivors were greeted with a still silence, a still life-less silence. We were still feeling the aftermath of the explosion, people groggily getting to their feet. All of a sudden a swat team arrived at the scene shooting any survivors in sight and capturing people as their hostages.. including Samantha. And that’s when I knew my story had just begun. I knew I was going to have to prove my love for this girl, I was going to have to travel the ends of the world and fight for this girl.

1 Comment

  1. Razzaq,

    You have worked really hard at this and your sentence structures have shown some real development with your use of grammar. You have shown that you can create a character and you have given us a clear sense of setting and the story.

    Targets:
    1) Re-read your third paragraph – is your meaning clear here? What must you cut/re-draft in order to help your reader understand your character more?
    2) ‘I believe the best place to start is the day when the whole world started to changed’ – how does this need to be change? Why?
    3) Proof-read the entirety of this – check your spellings and be sure there aren’t any words missing.

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